This Is A Breeze

How To Tell an American at the Buffet

I have been married to Thomas for what seems like a bazillion years.  Bless his heart.  For the past decade he has been a researcher and spends tons of time writing papers.  I feel that I am now qualified, via osmosis, to do my own research.

So here is my first project…..

I have spent a long time researching this topic (a week in the Dominican) and my methodology and findings are completely accurate.

Research Question:  Can You Identify an American at a Buffet by the Food that is on Their Plate?

Methodology:

First step is to determine American versus Non-American.

1.  Eat each meal at the buffet. 

2.  Watch people come into the dining hall after getting their food.

3.  Eavesdrop to determine if they are speaking fluent English without an accent (American accents don’t count.  e.g.  Boston, Southern, Midwest, etc.). 

X = Fluent English Without Accent = American

Y = Other Language or English With Accent = Non-American.

(All good research papers have “X’s” and “Y’s”.)

Second step is to gather data on the food that is on their plate.

Results:

X eats pizza, spaghetti, chicken, hamburgers, bread, and brownies.  Also, hue of food tends to be yellow, brown, and white.

Y eats vegetables and other weird shit.  Food has color.

I will be submitting this study to the Journal of American Tourists Behavior.

This research thing is easy. 

Thomas, why does it take you so long to publish a paper?