Your Timing Sucks

For the love of Pete!!!   

Whichever one of you loved ones that has passed away and is now amusing yourself by “waking up” my computer, you need to stop.  This is the third time and I’ve had it.  I would love a visit.  Come back tomorrow in the DAYTIME and you can change the channel on my television (unless I’m watching The Breakfast Club), cause my cat to stare into a corner, levitate the table, or whatever suits your fancy, but get the heck out of my bedroom right this instant.  I am trying to sleep and it is hard enough with these stupid hot flashes.  

 Go away or there will be hell to pay!  I mean it!  Geesh!

Like Mother, Like Daughter

I’ve had this “thing” with my Dad that I’ve been doing for years.  When I visit I will write a little note in the book he is reading and the ones that he is planning to read. 

When I am long gone he will eventually come upon it.  It makes me smile when I write it.  The note usually says, “I love you.  From your favorite daughter, the funny one.”

On Monday I flipped the page over on my planner and at the top was a note, “Audrey is your favorite daughter.  (BTW, this isn’t her).”

Love that kid!!!

Finals Week Hell For Some And Heaven For Me

On Saturday Emily gave me permission to help her stay on track for studying for her finals.

She gave me a schedule of this week broken down into 30-minute segments from 10am-10pm.

Do you KNOW what this means?

I get to MICROMANAGE and NAG all I want!!!!  ALL I WANT.  <happy dance> SHE GAVE ME PERMISSION!!!!!  <evil cackle which goes on and on>

Two more days to get my nag on.

Life is good!!!!

I Have Great Insurance

I love, love, love businesses that require their employees to park at the far end of the lot. 

It is not right for them to take a prime parking spot for eight hours.  There are people driving around for 15 minutes waiting for those cars to move so they can be as close as possible.  It doesn’t matter that they could have walked to the store, walked around the store and then walked back to their car in that time.  It’s all about the prime spot.

How rude of those employees to park close?  Now get your ass out of my spot before I ram your car.

I Am The Friendliest Person You Will Ever Meet (or not want to meet)

And this is why nobody will run errands with me…..

I went to 7 different places Friday.  You probably think that is impressive.  Here are a few things you should know.

1.     Sears and Barnes & Noble are almost right next to each other.  Maybe a two-minute drive.

2.     The drive to the next four stores:  Target, Penn Station, Staples and The Dollar Store is about ½ mile.  You can see all four of these stores when you stand in one spot.  They are that close together.

3.     The last stop was McDonald’s and it is about a two-minute drive from the previous four stops.

4.     I was just doing returns and I knew exactly what I wanted to buy in each store.

5.     If I had run in and out, like a normal person, I estimate that I could have finished everything in about an hour.

Guess how long it took me….

3 HOURS

Do you know why it took me 3 hours?

Because I talk a lot.  Surprise!

Guess how many people I talked to (yes, I tallied it.  I really did.)…..

You are not even close.  Try again.

You are getting warmer.

How many people would you have talked to in 7 stops?

Wow, that’s not very many.  Either you are all super efficient, not very friendly, or don’t like to shop.

I talked to at least 45 people.  I kid you not.  I talked to 12 in The Dollar Store alone.

And here are a few of the things I did when I talked to complete strangers:

1.     I held the door open for people (everybody does this or should)

2.     I laughed and laughed about crazy things with a bunch of people

3.     I learned that a guy was visiting his daughter and he is from Erie, Pennsylvania and his daughter went to Penn State.  We hit if off marvelously and the whole family will be coming for dinner tonight.  WE ARE…..

4.     My awesome friend, Garth, gave me the 50% off employee discount Friday at Penn Station because he said he likes my personality because I’m really strange.  We have a unique relationship. 

5.     I caught a one year old as she was falling out of a shopping cart.  Her grandma was very, very thankful.

6.     I told a lady about some medication she could get to help with hot flashes.  She said I didn’t look old enough to have hot flashes so she is now my new best friend.

7.     I let a very, very old lady in front of me at the check out, which was incredibly long.  When her daughter told her she would pull the cart up and told her to find a seat to sit down when she was tired I asked everyone in the line to let her cut.  She wanted to buy her own cards, but we were all concerned she would fall over.

8.     The guy at B & N got me started on a new book series and I read 6 pages and got goose bumps.  I then called B & N and asked to talk to the guy and told him he has ruined my life because I have a lot to do and all I want to do right now is read the stupid book, which is called “The Rook”, by the way.

9.     The Returns lady in Target and I high fived twice and you’ll find out why in a different post.  It is EPIC at least we thought so.  We howled like crazy people.

10. I had a very long discussion with the Sears cashier about how I was so impressed with myself for knowing where the hidden cash register is and how I took advantage of it on Black Friday.  Walked straight up to it.  No line waiting for me.

11. I chatted with a mom, her daughter and her granddaughter after we played the “Shopping Cart Dance”.  What’s the “Shopping Cart Dance”?  “Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.  It’s that thing when someone is pushing a midget in a shopping cart and they are coming right at another shopping cart and then they both go the same way to avoid each other and then back the other way and sometimes they do it like four times.”  I’ll miss you Stefon.

12. I gave the McDonald’s girl $20 and drove away without my change for a $1.09 coke.  She caught me at the next window. I’m glad she is a fast runner.

13. And I called Thomas four times and sent emails to 2 people, which I’m going to count as 6 more people.  That takes the total up to 51.

 I have to run some errands later in the week.  Does anyone want to go with me?  I could introduce you to a lot of new people.

Shut Your Mouth, Alvin

I was listening to my iPod in the docking station and singing along while I was taking a shower.  It was plugged in about 10 feet away.  I had it set to “Shuffle” and I was singing away to Phil Collins.  The next song that comes on is a stupid, stupid song from “Alvin and the Chipmunks”.  OH!  Hell!!  No!!!

I was out of the shower in record time. 

I really need to figure out how to get that album off my iPod.

A Lesson In Accounting

Thomas wants a new patio set.  I told him we need to save up, but then this past weekend happened.  It was beautiful and we ate outside sitting on the steps of the deck holding the plates on our laps! 

We need a table.

While we were walking around Lowe’s we took a look at the tables.  There was really nothing that caught my eye or anything I wanted to spend money on right this instant.

When we were looking for a filter for the Shop-Vac, I saw some 6ft long craft tables for less than $50.  Perfect!!! 

“Dude, if we get one of those tables we save $300.  We can then set aside some money and get the one we really want for next year when it goes on sale.  I am brilliant!!!”

And then my brilliance shined through like a badass!!!!

When we were putting the table in the back of the van Thomas saw the softball helmets that needed to be returned.  I started clapping and yelling, “Yes!  Yes!!! Yes!!!  We return those and then we just paid for the table and we can spend the leftover toward a new bike for one of the girls.  WE SAVED MONEY!!!!!!”

He shook his head and responded, “That’s really not the way it works.

“Fine, enlighten me,” I rolled my eyes.

“All the money comes out of the same pot.  If you returned the helmets and didn’t spend the money you got back you would be better off because you had more money,” and then he went on for ten more minutes and I heard, “Blah, blah, blah”.

Finally I had enough of being bored, “T.W. I know that you teach accounting, but I really think you should consider a different career because obviously you don’t know how saving money works,” I told him.  “I didn’t even go to school for eighteen billion years and I know that when you do a return and you get money back that is FREE money.  Anything you buy with it is a bonus.  I’ve spent it once, spending it again doesn’t count as spending money. It’s like finding a $10 bill in your winter jacket.  “Hey where did that come from?  Yahoo, we’re going to Olive Garden for a free dinner.”  Seriously Thomas, did you fail that class?”

“Uuuuuuhhhhh, how about that $50 table we just bought?” he conceded.

Win for me and we got a table!!!!

WTWJD?

WWJD?

That is our guide for handling life and those in it?

My question:  WTWJD?

What Tattoo Would Jesus Do?

Don’t get your panties in a twist before you read the following points made by a local Pastor?  Thanks to my friend for asking him on my behalf.

“Answer #1--As an orthodox Hebrew, Jesus wouldn't have had a tattoo as Leviticus 19:28 frowned on that sort of thing back then.

Answer #2--In the highly apocalyptic (read: symbolic) book of Revelation 19:16, it's been suggested that Jesus is wearing a tattoo on his right thigh; check it out. 

Answer #3--If Jesus had a tattoo, it may have looked something like the crest on Superman's uniform, which is Kryptonian for HOPE.  (I am not making this up!)

Answer #4 (my preference)--If Jesus had a tattoo, I think it would simply read John 6:38.”

So play along.  WTWJD?

My youngest suggested the chalice, the body and light surrounding it.  Both of my other two suggested a crucifix.  Thomas suggested the peace sign because Jesus is the Prince of Peace.  I suggested a circle with the number 3 inside.

I asked the same question to a friend’s daughter and she said that Jesus wouldn’t have a tattoo because only weirdos get tattoos.  I then pointed out that for his time Jesus was considered quite the whack-a-doodle.  He did and said things that others would never do.  The majority of people did consider him a weirdo and out of his mind even his own family.  Mark 3:21.  Good things come from nutballs, Jesus is living proof.

Soooo, what tattoo do you think Jesus would do?

I have been getting a lot of play behind the scenes about the “Jesus Tattoo” post below.  It has offended some people and many have told me they actually stopped reading when they saw the words “Jesus and Tattoo” together.  If that is the case then you missed the point of my entire post.  I will bullet point for you:

1.     This is not a slam on Jesus nor is it meant to be sacrilegious.

2.     Most people use tattoos to chronicle stories of their lives.  Things that are IMPORTANT to them.  Things they do not want to forget.

3.     My question was, “If Jesus had one message he wanted to get out to people and he used the medium of a tattoo to get that message across, what would it be?”

4.     If the word “tattoo” is offensive then replace with the word with “shirt”.

5.     If you read to the bottom of my post I referred to Jesus as “crazy”, which is a direct quote from the BIBLE.  I also said, “Good things come from nutballs, Jesus is living proof”.  Which is symbolism for different can be good.  Jesus was different and HE is ALL THINGS GOOD.

6.     And finally, if you believe in Revelations, but don’t have time to check out Revelation 19:16, here it is: “He has a name written on his cloak and on his thigh, “King of kings and Lord of lords.”^m  This information was provided from the United States Conference of Catholic Bishops.  Sounds like a tattoo to me.

The point of the post was, “IF JESUS COULD SHOW US ONE THING, WHAT WOULD IT BE?”

Questions To Ponder

Big questions of the day:

1.     A man should really have a “cave” when there are four very strong females in the house (not counting the two cats), right?

2.     It is normal for kids to be annoyed by their siblings and their parents ALL THE TIME?

3.     Moms nag constantly, right?

4.     Yelling happens a lot?

5.     The man in the cave should come out periodically to save someone from being strangled by another family member and ALWAYS side with his wife in front of the kids and then take her into another room and give her chocolate?

6.     Hiding from children is a coping mechanism?

7.     Homework is stupid and is the teacher’s way of payback for having your children all day?

8.     It is impossible to get kids ready for school in the morning with everyone cooperating?

9.     Margarita parties at 10am are normal (by the end of school you are sober for  pick up)?

10.   And the grand finale, one day the house will be quiet and we will miss the chaos?

Don't Tell My Mom

I came downstairs around 8ish Sunday morning and the little girl who spent the night and Liv were eating breakfast (Cheerios for them, unlike me who tried really hard to have Death By Chocolate Cake until Aud took it away from me.  I bet my breakfast would have tasted better.  Next time I am going to take it immediately into the closet.).

The little girl had her face about 3 inches from the iPod screen.  I asked her if she watched television at home and without looking away she said, “Hardly ever”.  I then asked how long she had been watching the show.  Liv pushed a button, looked at the screen and told me 58 minutes. 

“What?!?!” I yelled.  Since I’m all about order I told her she had 2 more minutes (you know, so it equals 60).

I do believe I win the award for best house to have a sleepover.  We are breaking all the rules.

The only saving grace, which I can’t even take credit for, was that she read for an hour before everyone woke up.  That counts for something, right?  It DID happen in my house.

Say Cheese

....and this is how you get Olivia to take an excellent picture. 

They Aren't Blind And Neither Were You

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Daughter:  This new leotard is going to make my abs look awesome and help me get all the guys!!!!

Different Daughter while watching Grey’s Anatomy and Dr. Avery Jackson is changing his clothes: “Holy crap, look at his abs!!!!!!!!”

Another Different Daughter:  I know, right!!!!!!!!!

Me while on Amazon:  Hey Thomas, look at these chastity belts.  They’re only $199.99.  We could probably get a discount if we purchase three.

Now before anybody gets into a tizzy about “kids these days”, I want to point out that 26 years ago when I was 14 I was given permission BY MY MOTHER to see a movie chaperoned by Kathy (my best friend’s mom) with three other impressionable teens:  Cyndi, Steven, Matt.

During the volleyball scene of “Top Gun” I am quite certain you could hear me saying, “Holy crap, look at those abs!!!!!”  I also remember Kathy looking mortified during the bedroom scene.  “Take My Breath Away” is still one of my favorite songs.

It’s really awful, but when I spout off things on my posts I like to do a little research.  And the research I had to do for this next information was horrible.  I had to force myself to look at these pictures.  The things I have to do for you people.  It’s torture.

All through time people have had sexiness right in front of them.  The following is a list of men who have shown their abs either on the big screen, television, magazines, or photo shoots.  It’s been around forever people, and it will continue.

George O’Brien – 1920s

Cary Grant – 1930s

Montgomery Clift – 1940s

Elvis Presley – 1950s until his death

Marlon Brando – 1951 – A Street Car Named Desire

Richard Burton – 1960s

Steve McQueen – 1963 – Time Magazine layout

Lee Majors – 1970s

Richard Gere – 1982 – An Officer and a Gentleman

Tom Selleck – 1980s – Did he ever wear a shirt?

A few of my favorites:

Will Smith – 1990s

The Rock

Ryan Gosling

Hugh Jackman

Thank You, Mom, Thank You!

What my daughter says, “Mom!  Stop talking!!!  You are ALWAYS talking!!!!  You need to stop!!!!”

What I hear, “Mom, thank you very much for REMINDING me to pick up the crap I always leave around the house.  I appreciate that you REMIND me that other people live here too.  Also, thanks for REMINDING me that I have to leave at 5:30pm tonight and won’t be home until 10pm.  This REMINDS me that I should probably finish my homework before I leave since I will be really tired when I get home.  I know you SUGGESTED I do my homework on Friday night and in hindsight I can see how nice that would have been so that I could be enjoying this BEAUTIFUL, sunny day instead of doing my homework!  I also APPRECIATE that you REMINDED me that I need to clean the kitchen after I bake because it looks like a bomb has gone off. I like that you REMINDED me that other people need to use the kitchen too.  Mom, I LOVE that you are helping me be a RESPONSIBLE person.  YOU ARE THE BEST!!!!!”

Me:  “You are VERY welcome.”

You Think I'm Normal

 I know I have totally pulled off seeming normal when someone I have just met lets her daughter spend the night.

Mars, Anyone?

I do not want to be a contestant on shows like “Big Brother”, “Survivor”, “The Real Housewives Of Champaign”, “What Not To Wear”, or any other reality television show.

However….

Thanks to a Nobel Peace Prize physicist from Denmark and the co-creator of Big Brother, I can be part of a reality trip to Mars.  Next year they will start the training for potential astronauts.  Everything from training, to selecting the astronauts, to the flight, and colonization will be recorded.  Their plan is to have the first team arrive on Mars in 2023 and by 2033 there will be 20+ people living on Mars.

Here’s the rub…it’s a one-way trip.

I will be making history.  I will go down in the books as one of the first humans on Mars.  We all know that there have already been actual Martians on Earth.  Just ask Mulder, aliens are real.  This is a real possibility.  I can be one of the first Earthlings on Mars.

My other astronaut friends and I will be having babies on Mars.  I will help populate Mars.  Oh, wait, I’ll be 50 and I’m pretty sure I won’t be having babies.  Maybe one of my girls can go with me and then I will be the first grandma on Mars.

So here are my questions…..

Will the first baby born on Mars be the first actual Martian recognized by Earthlings?  Will it have dual citizenship?  On Earth and Mars?  Should it be named Marius?

Get Your Head Out Of My Ass

This weekend Nature attacked again.

I rubbed my hand across my leg and felt something hard.  I took a look and a tick had burrowed itself into my upper thigh.

I showed it to Emily, “Mom, how can YOU be so calm?”

“It’s nothing.  It’s just a tick.  Call your Dad,” I handed Em the phone.

“Dad, mom has a tick in her butt and she isn’t talking.  I think you need to come home,” she whispered into the phone.

“She’s not talking?” Thomas asked.

“No.”

“That’s bad.  I’ll be right there.”

After removing the tick we stuck it in a baggie and into the freezer.

 Once again, Nature stinks!

Minus the possibility of Lyme disease, which of these icky bloodsuckers would you rather have stuck to your body?  A leech or a tick?

Right Off The Rack

My parents, Thomas and I went into the Under Armour store at the Outlet Mall yesterday.

When we walked in the helpful girl asked us if we were looking for something in particular.

Me:  Yes, I’m looking for my parents in size Medium and XL.

Girl:  Oh, there right over here.

Thomas:  Wow!  I can’t believe you actually carry them.

I Feel Naked Without My Clothes

Me:  Do you have your shoes?

Em:  I have my shoes.

Me:  Do you have your phone?  I will come to school during lunch.

Em:  Yes, I have my phone.

Me:  Do you have your purse?

Em:  I never forget my purse.  I feel naked without my purse.

Pause….

Me:  I feel naked without my clothes.

Em:  <Eye roll>

Aud dies with laughter in the back seat.

Three Little Miracles

This was originally written the day before Mother's Day 2013.

I wonder what tomorrow will bring.

On Halloween I got my new van.

On Valentine’s Day I got a flooded basement.

And tomorrow, Mother’s Day, I wonder what it will be.

If it stays with the theme of the day I’ll probably get pregnant.

That would be a miracle.  A big miracle.

I’m fine with just sleeping late.

I can’t handle more than three miracles.  I’m good.

And God, thanks for those three.

Can You Hear Me Now?

Thomas and I were sitting at the outdoor café this past week and I watched a couple walk across the street.  She was gabbing away and he was looking off into space.  It reminded me of the look I often see on Thomas’ face.

I turned to Thomas and asked him how much of what I say does he hear?  He said he HEARS everything, EVERYBODY hears me.  What?  I know how to use my inside voice. 

Then I asked him if when he listens to me it’s like when he is reading his book and skims over the paragraphs.  He just smiled at me.

I think he might need to work on his listening skills.