Oops? Seriously? Oops?

Graphicish content.  Read at your own risk.  I kid you not.  Mom, don’t read this you will probably hurl and you’re welcome people for not attaching the link.

Me:  Excuse me?  You want to do what to my eye?

Doctor:  In order to remove a chalazion you must use a tool designed to scoop out the chalazion.

Me:  You knock me out, right?

Doctor:  No.  I will use a local inside and outside of your eyelid.  At this point I will lift your eyelid and go in from the back and make a 3mm incision and remove the cyst.  We will then place a compress on your eye until the oozing blood stops.

Me:  I’m sorry, I don’t think I heard you correctly.  I am awake?  I can see you coming at me with a scalpel?  There is oozing? 

Doctor:  Yes.

Me:  Hmmm…I’ve decided that you are possibly NOT my favorite doctor.  The doctor who stitched up my finger was one of my favorite doctors.  I just met you, but I’m leaning toward not after your description.  No offense.

Doctor:  No offense taken.  It will be fine.

Soooo, this procedure happens tomorrow afternoon and you will possibly hear me expressing my displeasure to a sadistic doctor (I mean, really, “it will be fine” basically means you will probably lose your eyeball when he slips with the special scooper and pops it out) and his staff.

I have a lot of respect for people in professions that save the lives of their fellow man:  doctors, nurses, police officers, firemen, paramedics, ice cream men, soldiers, and those whom I’ve forgotten to mention.  Thank you.

But if I have a repeat of one of my previous experiences I am going to unload, AGAIN.

Past experience…

First, when you have slit a hole into someone’s jugular vein, while they are AWAKE, and you are threading in a tube, you are not allowed to say “Oops”.  I believe that conversation went something like this and was very uncharacteristic of me…

Me:  Oops?  Oops?  Did you just say oops?  You DON’T EVER say OOPS in an operating room with the patient AWAKE!!!  What the hell?

Doctor and Nurses:  Ha! Ha! Ha!

Me:  This is not funny.  AT ALL.

A few minutes later…

Me:  Is it supposed to hurt in my chest?

Doctor:  We are cutting into you.  I will give you some more anesthetic.

Me:  No, I mean is it supposed to hurt on my left side?

Doctor:  Um, no.

Me:  I swear to God, if you gave me a f*cking pulmonary embolism I am going to kill you!  I watched the show on ER when Dr. Corday and Dr. Romano couldn’t save Dr. Knight from her pulmonary embolism.  I did not get to say good-bye to my children this morning because they were sleeping!!!  Are you new or something?

Doctor and Nurse:  Ha! Ha! Ha!

Me:  What is wrong with you people?  You should NEVER laugh.  This does NOT make me feel better.  I think you missed that day in med school when they teach you about bedside manner, and I want an X-ray!

Doctor:  <under his breath>  I hate the internet and doctor shows.

Me:  Yah, well you’re not one of my favorite people.

The conversation on my end of this procedure might have resulted in the conversation that I had while my port was removed by a DIFFERENT doctor.

Doctor:  Oh my gosh, who did this procedure?

Me:  A doctor who hates me.

Doctor:  He did a horrible job.  I will do my best to fix the scar.

Me:  You are my favorite doctor.

BTW, do not Google the chalazion removal procedure.  I almost threw up.

I’m hoping my doctor tomorrow will be kind and gentle, and I’m also hoping I pass out.

One more thing, Ambien doesn’t always calm you down.