Right Off The Rack

My parents, Thomas and I went into the Under Armour store at the Outlet Mall yesterday.

When we walked in the helpful girl asked us if we were looking for something in particular.

Me:  Yes, I’m looking for my parents in size Medium and XL.

Girl:  Oh, there right over here.

Thomas:  Wow!  I can’t believe you actually carry them.

I Feel Naked Without My Clothes

Me:  Do you have your shoes?

Em:  I have my shoes.

Me:  Do you have your phone?  I will come to school during lunch.

Em:  Yes, I have my phone.

Me:  Do you have your purse?

Em:  I never forget my purse.  I feel naked without my purse.

Pause….

Me:  I feel naked without my clothes.

Em:  <Eye roll>

Aud dies with laughter in the back seat.

Three Little Miracles

This was originally written the day before Mother's Day 2013.

I wonder what tomorrow will bring.

On Halloween I got my new van.

On Valentine’s Day I got a flooded basement.

And tomorrow, Mother’s Day, I wonder what it will be.

If it stays with the theme of the day I’ll probably get pregnant.

That would be a miracle.  A big miracle.

I’m fine with just sleeping late.

I can’t handle more than three miracles.  I’m good.

And God, thanks for those three.

Can You Hear Me Now?

Thomas and I were sitting at the outdoor café this past week and I watched a couple walk across the street.  She was gabbing away and he was looking off into space.  It reminded me of the look I often see on Thomas’ face.

I turned to Thomas and asked him how much of what I say does he hear?  He said he HEARS everything, EVERYBODY hears me.  What?  I know how to use my inside voice. 

Then I asked him if when he listens to me it’s like when he is reading his book and skims over the paragraphs.  He just smiled at me.

I think he might need to work on his listening skills. 

Peace In Wal-Mart

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Thank you everyone for sending good thoughts my way yesterday.  I really felt them.  I did not release the flying monkeys. 

I did what always calms me.  I went to Wal-Mart.  I walked slowly around the store looking at everything. 

I stood in the card aisle for quite awhile looking at Mother’s Day cards.  I kept showing the funny ones to the guy next to me.  I think he really appreciated it.  I picked out the perfect card for my kids to give me.  

I helped a lady put her groceries in her car because it was raining and I didn’t want her to get wet.

I started a spontaneous conversation in the candy aisle with another lady.  I showed her my stash and asked her what she thought and if I was missing anything.  She said, “Looks fine.” and then hustled away.  I moseyed down the row looking for other goodies and the next thing I know she’s back and we started chatting.  I learned about her son graduating; the dessert she was making for his party; what kind of job he has lined up; that he can move away, but better come back when there are grandbabies; and other random things. 

And, I made some comfort food purchases.

Once again, thanks everyone!!!  I appreciated it!!!

I Hate Effing Nature

I truly believe that as a good person you must warn others when you may possibly rip their head off.  Maybe a sign around your neck saying, “Do Not Disturb” or maybe it should read, “Disturbed Already, Back Away”.

So here is my warning:

If you value our friendship, I wouldn’t even say “hi” to me today.  If I see you at pick up don’t even make eye contact.  If I am dying of thirst, I don’t even want you to bring me a glass of water.  If you live with me, pretend you are a ghost.  Even if you are my very favorite person in the world, the McDonald’s guy, put the Coke on the porch, ring the doorbell and run away.

It’s one of those days, people.  One of those days.

Please no comments or “likes”, this was just a place to vent.  I know you care, but today….today….today it’s enough that I know you care and I know you hear me.  Send good thoughts, I’ll feel them and that will be all I need.  Thanks.

Also, I picked up a clod of dirt today and touched two worms, but you know what, they were the decoy because at the same time something bit me on my ankle.  I hate effing nature!!!!!

I Am Leo Getz

Disclaimer:  This story is actually only funny if you have ever gone through a drive thru with me.  Now that I think about it, this story is really only funny to me, but that’s what it’s all about, amusing myself.  So enjoy another insight into the way my brain works.

Whenever we get sodas/pop/cola/Coke, which, by the way, Coke is considered any type of carbonated liquid in certain parts of the states,  

Example: 

Very nice hostess:  “Would you like a Coke?

Me:  Sure, thanks.

Hostess:  What kind would you like?  7-up?  Rootbeer?  Dr. Pepper?  Pepsi?”

 Me:  I will take a Dr. Pepper, please. (<inside my head> Seriously, Pepsi is DEFINITELY not Coke.  Are you honestly trying to pass Pepsi off as Coke?  Puhleeze.)

From the drive-thru it is imperative that you check to make sure you have the correct flavor before leaving the parking lot.  Imperative.  Period.

Case in point:

From Lethal Weapon 2:

[after receiving the wrong order at the drive-thru]
Leo Getz: They FUCK YOU at the drive-thru, okay? They FUCK YOU at the drive-thru! They know you're gonna be miles away before you find out you got fucked! They know you're not gonna turn around and go back, they don't care. So who gets fucked? Ol' Leo Getz! Okay, sure! I don't give a fuck! I'm not eating this tuna, okay?

I am obnoxious (read as OCD) about checking the drinks.  OBNOXIOUS.  I am beyond angry if I have to hurry out of the parking lot only to find out my Coke is diet. 

Yesterday we were at Burger King to get a few Jr. Whoppers and I told the girls we would grab the burgers, but then we’d hit Mickey Dees for the Cokes.  McD’s Cokes are only a $1 and we all agree that they taste waaaay better than any other Coke.  I told them we would get cups of water at Burger King to wash down the burgers.  The smiley girl at the window handed me the cups of water (OBVIOUSLY water) and I passed them around and then said to my kids, “Now you make sure they’re water because I’m not coming back.  Seriously, check them.  Take a drink.  I am NOT coming back.”  Just so you know, I was the only one that checked.  I had to make my point.

Aud was cracking up.  I was cracking up.  Em gave me an eye roll.

I LOVE eye rolls from teenagers!!!!  Girl, this is nothing.  You just wait.  Just wait.  Soon, very soon in your future I will cause you to express much more than an eye roll.  And I will die laughing. 

Three teenage girls will be very challenging, but so will I.  This is going to be fun!!!  Unless I’m in jail for killing them, and then not so much. 

GAME ON!!!!!