Watch For The Green Light

I have found that I need to check the "Finder" on my computer after the kids use it to see what applications are open. I have recently been shown a video of myself when Olivia started the video on Photo Booth and then handed me the computer. The little creep.

I am not always wearing the best outfit or even an outfit at all. I apologize in advance or for any past exposure your children have witnessed. Stupid Skype and FaceTime. I'll pay for the many years of therapy they will need.

I feel like Kim Kardashian (don't get excited, it's not a sex video, more of a women's European beach swimsuit top video), except I know I'm not going to make any money off of this video or become super famous or have my own reality television show.

On a similar note, yesterday was a "no pants driving home again" kind of day, and there was a van next to me that kept speeding up and slowing down to stay beside me and get a good view. I was finally able to place Mickey Dees napkins on my lap at the stoplight. These are the kinda guys that got excited over their mom's JcPenney catalogs when they were kids. It's only underwear. Settle down.

This is an interesting site about the reason behind (ha ha, i said "behind") the different styles of underwear (pantaloons). I may have shared this before, can't remember.

http://www.fashion-era.com/drawers-pants-combinations-knickers-fashion.htm

I'm thinking my life experiences are not quite like other people.

Plunging Ball

Tuesday Tutorial…

When the toilet is plugged, you do not unplug the toilet by waiting for me to come along and do it for you.

This is especially essential during the night when sight is limited and overflow is imminent.

Therefore, this week we shall work on how to plunge a clogged toilet.

It would be silly to actually plug my toilet to learn this lesson, so I will have the girls practice each day pumping the plunger for ten minutes each.

If poured slowly, I can fill the toilet with more water.

This will help them learn that vigorous pumping will lead to washing the floors, their clothes, and themselves.

Control and a constant plunge is key.

In the past, when a toilet has been clogged, each girl claims that it is not a result of her deposit. 

So in the future, each girl will take a turn at trying to unplug the clogged toilet.

This will not be a pretty sight.

There will be crying and gagging, but not from me.

P.S.  We didn’t tell her that she was swinging around a plunger that had once had poop on it until after the song (which was her idea).

Tornado Alley

Dr. Tornado,

First off, thanks for indoctrinating us into tornado season.  It was something I was looking forward to.  Or not.  I have been informed that we are in “Tornado Alley”.  Great.

Second, I think I kinda pulled one over on you since I recently put the “Weatherbug” app on my cell and when the tornado warning was issued my phone went absolutely insane. I didn’t even know it could do that.  I usually keep my phone downstairs, but for the next few months I’m going to keep it next to my bed.  Also, about 20 minutes before the warning I got the phone number of Erin who is “in the know” about all things tornado.  She has connections.  She suggested I get to the basement since I’m a newbie. Being able to have access to the path of the storm on my computer (unless the power went out) and my phone was awesome.  So I had a few advantages that you didn’t know about.  Booyah.

Things that drove me crazy about this whole experience:  trying to wake two kids that were in the deepest sleep ever and maneuver them into the basement was difficult (Em was reading in her room); trying to find the cats was annoying and if that siren had been going off the cats were on their own (I was informed Saturday morning that it did go off, but I didn’t hear it over the sound of the water running through the pipes because the washing machine and dishwasher were running.  I couldn’t hear a darn thing, next time I shut off the machinery as I run by.); convincing Olivia that Pandie (her cancer coping bear) would be fine and she couldn’t get him was difficult; three girls that were yelling at each other to “stop touching me” with their legs was really, really driving me crazy; arguing over who had to sit next to the toilet (Liv ended up there and before too long she had her pillow and head on it.  Gross.); Thomas being in Seattle while all this was going on was par for the course, me, once again, having to do everything.  I think he planned it.  Geesh; watching the older two play Backgammon was awful because it made me feel stupid; and having Liv sleep with me when we finally went to bed was…ugh (she snuggled right up to me and I was on the edge of the bed and had terrible hot flashes).

When we moved to Canada and had the first big snowstorm of the year we were supposed to be going to a party that day.  We looked outside and thought there was no way we could make it.  We called to cancel and they laughed at us.  By the end of our time in Canada we were pros and knew how to handle the snow.  I imagine our new friends here were having a good chuckle about my nervousness, but this is my frame of reference:  since 1953 there have been 68 tornados in Champaign, ummmm, in that same period the town I grew up in has had one.  You can understand my concern.  I was worried that my post on FB would cause lots of eye rolls, but when one of my Champaign besties, Kristen, didn’t give me a hard time (she was taking shelter in a neighbor’s basement.  Apparently, she didn’t have time to call me to make sure I was safe.) I figured it was pretty serious.    

Things I thought were funny:  we were in an enclosed space and a couple people had gas; one kid went to the bathroom and the other two FREAKED; my left armpit started smelling (I think it was the stress) and I didn’t have any deodorant.  I realize I was in a bathroom, but there was no way I was using someone else’s deodorant.  Gross; and when I chatted with my Dad on the phone he wanted me to run upstairs and grab the Partida Tequila because it’s his favorite.

I was super appreciative of all my friends who threw up some prayers to the Big Guy.  Thanks.

But the most amazing thing of all was when I walked downstairs the next morning.  I couldn’t figure out how you didn’t hit Champaign, but you got INSIDE MY HOUSE.  How did you do that?  You must be like Santa.  I want some freaking presents not a messy house.

Bite me,

Krista

Top Rack Only

I am loading the dishwasher and I want to make sure a container I recently purchased is dishwasher safe.

I flip it over, and yes, it is dishwasher safe…

Top Rack Only

This is going to be a bit difficult.

A Good Purge Makes Everything Better

Tons of movie popcorn for dinner, followed by a huge bite of a self-decorated cookie with three inch high blue frosting at the grocery store = green vomit.

Started out as “THIS IS THE BEST DINNER EVER”, which made me “Mom of the Year”, and later that evening I received the award for “Worst Mom Ever” for, APPARENTLY, FORCE FEEDING the junk down her throat.

She did learn that sometimes vomiting is a good thing and I learned that having your kid sit outside for some fresh air makes for an easy clean up with the hose.

A big thanks to Emily for cleaning it up (this kid is once again amazing), because I had to make a quick switch with the cars, and, of course, that’s when she blew chunks.  Also, a big thank you to Olivia for circling the area with chalk so I wouldn’t walk in it.

When I was exchanging the car and getting ready to head back home, I received a call about the exiting of popcorn and cookie, and I could hear Liv laughing in the background as she chased Em with the hose.  I was so glad she felt better.  Who wants an upset stomach? 

The act of purging allowed me to go out with some friends that night instead of holding back hair.  There’s nothing like a good hurl.

I was also reminded of Art class and the color wheel, and that everything should be in moderation, even if refills are only 54 cents.

Gloria Or Natasha

Me:  Are you watching the Avengers?

Thomas:  Yep.

Me:  Cool.  I like the Avengers.

Thomas:  Who’s your favorite character?

Me:  To look at?

Thomas:  No, actual character.

Me:  Well, Captain America isn’t the cutest one and his outfit has got to go.  I love looking at Thor, but he needs to wash his hair and it’s all about the hammer.  He needs to branch out a bit.  I like the guy with the bow.  A guy with a bow makes me think of Legolas and he is hot, so I love guys with bows.

Thomas:  Hawkeye is barely an Avenger.  I don’t even know why he’s in the movie.  Also, you are talking about how they look not the character.

Me:  Actually, I’m giving a character description, which is very important in any book or movie.  It helps you understand the character and where he’s coming from, who he is, and his goals, like maybe a shower.

Thomas:  <shakes head>

Me:  I suppose you like the chick.  What’s her name?  Black Mamba?

Thomas:  It’s Black Widow.  Black Mamba was Uma Thurman in “Kill Bill”.

Me:  I love “Kill Bill”.  She kicks the shit out of everyone.  I also think it’s funny that the “Kung Fu” guy met his match and it was a girl.  A woman will be the downfall of every good man, except he wasn’t a good man.  Well, he was in “Kung Fu”, but not in “Kill Bill”.  So I’m not sure I can think it’s funny or get excited about The Cricket getting his ass kicked.  He should also watch out for birds.  Omg, I can’t remember, does she do the pelican thing from “Karate Kid”?  This is confusing me.  What were we talking about?

Thomas:  It’s Grasshopper, and the Crane, and we were talking about Scarlett Johansson.

Me:  Right…she doesn’t really do it for me.  Why are you skipping scenes?

Thomas:  I want to watch her run?

Me:  Of course, you do.  Do you want to watch Gloria on Modern Family stir things AGAIN after you’re finished watching Scarlett run?

Thomas:  No, not like that.  You have to watch her run.  She’s probably the worst runner I have ever seen.  It’s hilarious.  It looks like it might be the first time in her life she’s ever run.

Me:  Maybe it’s her shoes.  Anyway, I think I’m going to go with Iron Man.  He has cool toys. 

Thomas:  Me too.  Iron Man and The Hulk.

Me:  The Hulk?

Thomas:  He’s hilarious!  He always wants to punch things.

Olivia:  Puny God.

The Peddle On The Right

I have written a letter to myself to be read on my 80^th birthday…

Dear Enhancer (or liar or truth-stretcher or falsifier or crazy…whatever you prefer),

Congratulations!  I’m very impressed that Thomas hasn’t strangled you yet.

By the way, if you look to your left is he sitting beside you? 

I hope he hasn’t died of a broken neck from all the head shaking.  There are many more years of shaking to come.

Old people get to have all the fun. 

They get to do and, mostly say, things that shock their families.  They have kept their thoughts inside for so long that they finally say, “screw it, this is what I think”.

I can hardly wait. 

I think my mom will be so happy she is long gone, because the idea of me getting more open than I am now is probably terrifying for her. 

I’ll speak very loudly so you can hear me all the way up in heaven.  I wouldn’t want you to miss anything good.

You’re welcome.

It reminds me of a poem…

“When I Am Old…by Jenny Joseph

When I am an old woman I shall wear purple
With a red hat that doesn't go, and doesn't suit me,
And I shall spend my pension
on brandy and summer gloves
And satin sandals,
and say we've no money for butter.
I shall sit down on the pavement when I am tired,
And gobble up samples in shops and press alarm bells,
And run my stick along the public railings,
And make up for the sobriety of my youth.
I shall go out in my slippers in the rain
And pick the flowers in other people's gardens,
And learn to spit.
You can wear terrible shirts and grow more fat,
And eat three pounds of sausages at a go,
Or only bread and pickle for a week,
And hoard pens and pencils and beer mats
and things in boxes.
But now we must have clothes that keep us dry,
And pay our rent and not swear in the street,
And set a good example for the children.
We will have friends to dinner and read the papers.
But maybe I ought to practise a little now?
So people who know me
are not too shocked and surprised,
When suddenly I am old
and start to wear purple!”

Let me pop back to my letter.  I got sidetracked…

I think my mom will be so happy she is long gone, because the idea of me getting more open than I am now is probably terrifying. 

Mom, I’ll speak loudly so you can hear me all the way up in heaven.  I wouldn’t want you to miss the good stuff.

You’re welcome.

Enhancer, this is what I would like you to do…

Since you have driven everybody crazy with the speed that you drive, I think now is the time to kick it up a notch.

I want you to speed.  I want you to push your foot down on the accelerator really, really hard.

I want you to roll down the window and feel the wind blowing through your hair or what’s left of it.

Again, push down hard on the accelerator.

If you do this then you will probably reach somewhere near the actual speed limit.